I’m sitting here on the loveseat in my four-year-old son’s room typing this as he goes to sleep. We’ve read 2 books, said our prayers, told one Red Jacket story, played “Lullabye” (the Peter Hollens version here, established that his grandparents are not in heaven, but some of mine and mommy’s are – including my grandmother who lived in Arizona – after which I was informed that was where the Cardinals were from, talked about Mommy’s bug bites, and discussed which sticker are better for whom.
And this is toned down. I’m grateful for my grandmother’s pool, which helps to wear out of my son’s body – since his brain just refuses to shut off. He is – and always has been – an over-thinker. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Of course he comes by it honestly. My thoughts and I have been wide awake at 3am on more than one occasion. Oftentimes, the only way I sleep is with the television on (since I’m pretty sure it numbs my brain cells – or at least keeps them active in a non-threatening manner). Occasionally I will “write” myself to sleep as I orchestrate scenes in my head. The problem with that is that if I don’t write them down, they go away. If I do write them down, I lose my sleep.
So even though I’ve been quiet on the blogging front lately, it’s been a busy couple of days. My brain is saturated. I’m attempting to cram for my real estate associate’s license exam, which makes me feel like I’m back in school … again. Thankfully this time there are no discussion boards (Can I get an ‘Amen’ from Liberty University Online students?).
I had to force myself to sit down and type tonight – if nothing else just to make sense of what’s going on in my head.
Before I left, one of my pastors gave me some advice. I will listen to it because it was good advice … and because when a 6 and a half foot Wisconsin farm boy tells you something, you listen to it. Pastor Greg encouraged me to not close myself off to the world. It had taken me a long time to open up to people again – especially Christians. I have spent a great deal of time living the life that is eligible to be scrutinized by everyone who has no business doing so. My counseling friend Kristen referred to it as the ministerial fishbowl. As a result, I have kept many of my struggles to myself.
I think everyone has that dream where they end up naked in a public place. For me, I always have this recurring nightmare where my mother de-pantses me in the middle of the kitchen in front of the entire family and step-family.
Oh wait – that actually happened. (It’s okay Mom, I love you still … and don’t worry I’ve forgotten all about something that happened 24 years ago).
But what if we were all exposed in front of everyone we knew?
What would happen if our deepest, darkest secrets suddenly became public?
What if our greatest fears were placed on display for all to see?
I don’t know.
Some people would judge. They would know better and would be condemning for our weaknesses.
Some people might titter or avert their eyes and pass by apathetically.
My hopes would be that a friend would be there to accept my struggle and walk with me through it. He or she wouldn’t criticize, but would help.
I have a few past friends – people I believe understood me and accepted me for who I am. I have a few who know my deepest secrets. I have a wife who is incredible in sticking beside me even in our trials. These are worth a great deal. While my previous job wasn’t perfect, I was blessed to have some good friends who could stand with me in a least a portion of my trials.
But here I am starting over. I don’t see my work bringing friendship, just due to the nature of it. We are still trying to find a church home, though we think we have a couple possibilities.
So for now, I will continue blogging my feelings. While it’s not completely uncensored, it’s a start. Some of you might wonder about me – God know, I do too. But at this point, I’m doing to just understand myself a tiny bit better. And hopefully, you can too.
“A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.” –Proverbs 18:24 (NASB)